It’s that point once more.

A time to rework fireplace and residential right into a hellscape of landfill-bound fripperies.

A time to commerce the quinoa salads and avocado ice cream for mother’s deep-fried mac ‘n cheese balls filled with pizza rolls filled with a molten core of sugar-soaked gummy worms.

And maybe most significantly, a time to supply moonlit sacrifices of cured grinch hides and spiced elf organs to the dimension-hopping Antediluvian demi-god Santa Claus and his battalion of bionic beast-deer-creatures solid within the Third Epoch of Prehistory to do battle with the dead-eyed demon prince Krampus for command of the multiverse—

You already know what? That is fairly irrelevant. Transferring on.

What I actually needed to say was . . .


I hope you and yours are relishing many moments of joyous merriment and reveling in all of their pine-scented, butter-lubed, and tinsel-laden glory.

And what is going to subsequent yr convey?

Will the “I’m not a criminal simply an fool” protection exonerate Rip-off Bankrun-Fraud and his owl-faced polyamorous collaborator?

Will the 2 weeks of transitory, protected and efficient, and principally peaceable inflation lastly finish?

Will we discover ourselves spearing mutated acid hogs within the blasted ruins of Toad Suck, Arkansas?

Who can know?

At any fee, my merry band of mice and males . . . and girls . . . have laid wondiferous plans for 2023 that’ll get you purring like a canine that ate a contented cat, together with . . .

  • New and upgraded merchandise to instabuy, together with an power drink, protein cookie, Pulse and Recharge enhancements (new elements!), attire, and extra.
  • New flavors of present merchandise to take a flier on, together with rainbow sherbert and pina colada Pulse; apple pie, coconut cream, and frosted cereal Whey+; bitter sweet and arctic blast Recharge; and extra.
  • New gross sales channels and worldwide transport choices to raised separate you out of your coinage, together with Amazon UK,, and
  • New content material to graze on, together with fourth editions of my books Larger Leaner Stronger and Thinner Leaner Stronger, new web site instruments, weblog articles, podcasts, and extra.

And that’s simply the fast dampen, after all—many particulars to comply with.

Oh and since this will’t be stated sufficient:

Bless your cotton socks on your assist.


If this have been one other period, I’d construct a temple to your glory, tear out my eyes with a ceremonial spoon, turn into your oracle, prophesy the doom of all who oppose you, and sing hymns about your nascent godhood with my tongueless mouth.

However alas, that is the Present 12 months, and so, if it pleases Your Grace, I provide my everlasting gratitude as an alternative.



Prefer it, like it, rub it throughout your self. 

Oh, and yet another factor:

For the sake of Santa’s sacred nipples, don’t rely energy on Christmas.

Feast. Drink. Hug your family members. Hakuna matata.




P.S. Quite a lot of folks have stated they need to get me a present for the vacations, which is a candy gesture . . . except it’s a field of Maricopa harvester ants . . . no, the thought doesn’t rely . . . and to that I say:

If you wish to get me one thing, then perhaps purchase a duplicate of considered one of my books? Or depart a evaluation for considered one of them wherever you purchase books on-line?

We authors like to promote books. And get critiques. 

In actual fact, the one motive you’re receiving this e mail is as a result of many form folks began doing each of these issues ten years in the past after I launched the primary version of Larger Leaner Stronger, so both of them would actually tickle the reptilian pleasure facilities of my mind this Christmas.